It's News, Dammit! - Real News Sucks. Ours is Made Up.

Jason leads in closed helpdesk tickets

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 10:20:25 -0600

"In your face, helpdesk!"

Jason ordered the helpdesk closed this morning, after he took a decisive lead in the number of closed tickets for the month of October.

"Statistically, Jason has surpassed the rest of the team by an infinite percentage with the closure of his latest helpdesk ticket," says Jim, Jason's manager. "This is an accomplishment of which Jason can be proud. In fact I've just put in an order for a lucite plaque for Jason."

Insider: Google, Hormel to form strategic alliance

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 16:01:38 -0600

Speaking under conditions of anonymnity, a Google employee informed us that Google has agreed to form a strategic alliance with Hormel Foods, the maker of the canned Spam food product.

As evidence of the claim, the employee pointed to Google's in-beta Gmail email website. Supporting the free service will be a series of advertisements that scan email text, and displays related advertisements alongside the email messages. Recently, Google has also added what it calls "Web Clips" to the top of folder views, which alternate between short one-line advertisements and news clippings.

"Recently, Google began to display all Spam recipes in the Web Clips above the Spam folder listings. I work in the Gmail division, and heard the boss discussing the feature with one of the core programmers."

Sure enough, a visit to the spam folder of a Gmail account reveals that all of the web clips have been replaced by Spam recipes.

John Kerry Elected President of Oompa Loompa Union

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 14:23:11 -0600

Failed US Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry has completed his campaign to become president of the Oompa Loompa Labor Union successfully, with overwhelming support from the Oompa Loompa workers.

Elected to the post of President by a majority of eligible voters, Kerry will tackle the difficult issues that the Oompa Loompas face.

From Kerry's acceptance speech: "My fellow Oompas were brought here from Loompa Land by Willy Wonka, under the pretense that he would take them to a place where they would be free from the dangers of Vermicious Knids, Swangdoodles and Horn Swagglers. But instead of freedom, the Oompas were forced to work in Wonka's chocolate factories. I will fight to get all of the rights that my fellow Oompas deserve."

Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 14:41:24 -0700

Hit new book by Wisconsin man due to take NY Times Best Sellers list by storm this holiday season.

Cudahy, WI -- Outsider author Matthew Roeder has today made literary history with his first book, Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?. Dismissed by critics, the tales of man vs bad food have proven itself to have the right recipe for success.

Thousands of Political Analysts to join ranks of unemployed

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:18:44 -0700

Washington, DC - After the dust from the highly contentious 2004 presidential election has settled, thousands of political analysts are projected to lose their jobs, say sources at the major networks.

"They just won't be needed anymore, at least not in these numbers, at least until the next congressional elections," says an executive for FOX News. "In this election season, if you resume even had anything related to politics in your 'hobbies' section, you got a job as an analyst. The level of political analysis this country currently has, however, cannot be sustained without an impending election."

Fondue King stiffed at local restaurant

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:17:59 -0700

Eatery ran out of fondue, offered hummus instead. Fondue King vows "never to forget this shameful night."

North Orange County's own self-proclaimed Fondue King Jason McPheron suffered a grevious insult Friday night when a favorite local restaurant reneged on its promise to suppy McPheron and his guests with a pot full of delicious bubbling cheese and brandy.

Witnesses report that the Fondue King maintained his composure despite the restaurant's inability to produce the meal as ordered. "He totally kept his cool," one patron noted. "But you could tell he was pissed. This man is like the Godfather of Fondue. I wouldn't be surprised if the restaurant's manager woke up with a horse head in his bed or something."

Bush: ''Undead soldiers make a draft irrelevant for today's military''