"In your face, helpdesk!"

Jason ordered the helpdesk closed this morning, after he took a decisive lead in the number of closed tickets for the month of October.

"Statistically, Jason has surpassed the rest of the team by an infinite percentage with the closure of his latest helpdesk ticket," says Jim, Jason's manager. "This is an accomplishment of which Jason can be proud. In fact I've just put in an order for a lucite plaque for Jason."

Speaking under conditions of anonymnity, a Google employee informed us that Google has agreed to form a strategic alliance with Hormel Foods, the maker of the canned Spam food product.

As evidence of the claim, the employee pointed to Google's in-beta Gmail email website. Supporting the free service will be a series of advertisements that scan email text, and displays related advertisements alongside the email messages. Recently, Google has also added what it calls "Web Clips" to the top of folder views, which alternate between short one-line advertisements and news clippings.

"Recently, Google began to display all Spam recipes in the Web Clips above the Spam folder listings. I work in the Gmail division, and heard the boss discussing the feature with one of the core programmers."

Sure enough, a visit to the spam folder of a Gmail account reveals that all of the web clips have been replaced by Spam recipes.

Hit new book by Wisconsin man due to take NY Times Best Sellers list by storm this holiday season.

Cudahy, WI -- Outsider author Matthew Roeder has today made literary history with his first book, Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?. Dismissed by critics, the tales of man vs bad food have proven itself to have the right recipe for success.

Eatery ran out of fondue, offered hummus instead. Fondue King vows "never to forget this shameful night."

North Orange County's own self-proclaimed Fondue King Jason McPheron suffered a grevious insult Friday night when a favorite local restaurant reneged on its promise to suppy McPheron and his guests with a pot full of delicious bubbling cheese and brandy.

Witnesses report that the Fondue King maintained his composure despite the restaurant's inability to produce the meal as ordered. "He totally kept his cool," one patron noted. "But you could tell he was pissed. This man is like the Godfather of Fondue. I wouldn't be surprised if the restaurant's manager woke up with a horse head in his bed or something."

At the request of Peter Gellerman, attorney representing mattress seller Sit 'n Sleep, this story has been removed.

"i hope this person didn't lose their dog, because that would just be sad."

"This urinal screen reached out to me and ended my downward spiral into the world of alcohol and illicit drugs."

San Francisco, CA - Robert Raydur, an entrepreneur from Chicago has become the new spokesman for Swisher Hygiene, a company which he credits with saving his life. On a business trip to San Francisco, Raydur stopped in the B Spot restaurant to use the restroom, where he saw Swisher's trademark urinal screen with its "Say No to Drugs" message.

More than three-quarters of Internet worms and viruses use Google as their default search engine to retrieve email addresses, according to a study by eWeek, a computer technology trade journal.

"Expedia's media blitz of 'Travelling Troll' ads infringes on Travelocity's trademark 'Roaming Gnome' promotion," say lawyers representing Travelocity. Salt Lake City, UT -- Laywers representing online firm Travelocity have filed a suit in the federal court system today, alleging that competitor Expedia is unfairly copying Travelocity's 'Roaming Gnome' with a copycat set of ads featuring a 'Traveling Troll'.

South Milwaukee, WI - Funded by a city ordinance that has raised sales taxes by a quarter of a percent, city departments have started posting signs around the city that residents have dubbed "signs of the obvious."