It's News, Dammit! - Unusual

Jason leads in closed helpdesk tickets

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 10:20:25 -0600

"In your face, helpdesk!"

Jason ordered the helpdesk closed this morning, after he took a decisive lead in the number of closed tickets for the month of October.

"Statistically, Jason has surpassed the rest of the team by an infinite percentage with the closure of his latest helpdesk ticket," says Jim, Jason's manager. "This is an accomplishment of which Jason can be proud. In fact I've just put in an order for a lucite plaque for Jason."

Insider: Google, Hormel to form strategic alliance

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 16:01:38 -0600

Speaking under conditions of anonymnity, a Google employee informed us that Google has agreed to form a strategic alliance with Hormel Foods, the maker of the canned Spam food product.

As evidence of the claim, the employee pointed to Google's in-beta Gmail email website. Supporting the free service will be a series of advertisements that scan email text, and displays related advertisements alongside the email messages. Recently, Google has also added what it calls "Web Clips" to the top of folder views, which alternate between short one-line advertisements and news clippings.

"Recently, Google began to display all Spam recipes in the Web Clips above the Spam folder listings. I work in the Gmail division, and heard the boss discussing the feature with one of the core programmers."

Sure enough, a visit to the spam folder of a Gmail account reveals that all of the web clips have been replaced by Spam recipes.

Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 14:41:24 -0700

Hit new book by Wisconsin man due to take NY Times Best Sellers list by storm this holiday season.

Cudahy, WI -- Outsider author Matthew Roeder has today made literary history with his first book, Why Does Everything Taste Like Ass?. Dismissed by critics, the tales of man vs bad food have proven itself to have the right recipe for success.

Fondue King stiffed at local restaurant

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:17:59 -0700

Eatery ran out of fondue, offered hummus instead. Fondue King vows "never to forget this shameful night."

North Orange County's own self-proclaimed Fondue King Jason McPheron suffered a grevious insult Friday night when a favorite local restaurant reneged on its promise to suppy McPheron and his guests with a pot full of delicious bubbling cheese and brandy.

Witnesses report that the Fondue King maintained his composure despite the restaurant's inability to produce the meal as ordered. "He totally kept his cool," one patron noted. "But you could tell he was pissed. This man is like the Godfather of Fondue. I wouldn't be surprised if the restaurant's manager woke up with a horse head in his bed or something."

Sit 'n Sleep admits nothing -- story removed

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

At the request of Peter Gellerman, attorney representing mattress seller Sit 'n Sleep, this story has been removed.

Girl still has hope for dog lost over Hoover Dam

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

"i hope this person didn't lose their dog, because that would just be sad."

Urinal Screen Changes Man's Life

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:09:05 -0700

"This urinal screen reached out to me and ended my downward spiral into the world of alcohol and illicit drugs."

San Francisco, CA - Robert Raydur, an entrepreneur from Chicago has become the new spokesman for Swisher Hygiene, a company which he credits with saving his life. On a business trip to San Francisco, Raydur stopped in the B Spot restaurant to use the restroom, where he saw Swisher's trademark urinal screen with its "Say No to Drugs" message.

Choosy viruses choose Google, survey shows

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

More than three-quarters of Internet worms and viruses use Google as their default search engine to retrieve email addresses, according to a study by eWeek, a computer technology trade journal.

Travelocity Sues Expedia over ''Traveling Troll'' Mascot

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 15:43:06 -0600

"Expedia's media blitz of 'Travelling Troll' ads infringes on Travelocity's trademark 'Roaming Gnome' promotion," say lawyers representing Travelocity. Salt Lake City, UT -- Laywers representing online firm Travelocity have filed a suit in the federal court system today, alleging that competitor Expedia is unfairly copying Travelocity's 'Roaming Gnome' with a copycat set of ads featuring a 'Traveling Troll'.

Wisconsin town raises taxes to print up ''obvious'' signs

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

South Milwaukee, WI - Funded by a city ordinance that has raised sales taxes by a quarter of a percent, city departments have started posting signs around the city that residents have dubbed "signs of the obvious."

Handicapped demand equal access in several new lawsuits

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Several class-action lawsuits have currently begun in California, following the landmark decision in neighboring Oregon that movie theaters have to better accomodate wheelchair-bound people in stadium seating theaters.

New children's bedtime lullabyes borrow from urban rap

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

A popular trend is emerging amongst writers of children's bedtime lullabyes: the use of hardcore rap music and lyrics as the basis for the songs. The League of Christian Voters has denounced the trend as sinful, while the NAACP applauds the trend for "the unique ability to expose our children in a soothing way to the struggles of the African Americans in our inner cities."

Minions of Satan are spreading via the Internet

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Rare breed of demon is spreading rapidly through the World Wide Web. Some dismiss it as yet another computer virus, while some spiritual leaders have denounced the Internet as the playground of the Great Evil, and have admonished their followers to unplug from the 'Net.

Liberal radio network announces naming, scheduling changes

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Recently launched nationwide talk radio network will change name from Air America Radio to Al Gorzeera.

"We received generous donations from Al Gore, so we thought we'd give him some credit through a new name," Al Franken told his audience. "Also, we thought we could capitalize on the notoriety of the Middle East news network Al Jazeera, since [the name Air America Radio] didn't really capture what we're all about anyway."

Coming Soon: Marry your Horse, or both Twin Sisters?

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Opponents of gay marriage often argue that if we allow two men to marry each other, or two women to marry each other, where can we draw the line? Can three consenting adults join in an unholy matrimony? Can a woman marry her turtle, or a bowl full of fish?

The answer may surprise you.