It's News, Dammit! - Undead

Bush: ''Undead soldiers make a draft irrelevant for today's military''

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Seeking to stamp out Internet rumors of a draft should he be reelected, President Bush announced today that we will never need to have a draft again, and he's introduced a Constitutional amendment bill to ensure it.

DECLASSIFIED: JFK could have ended Vietnam War with Undead Soldiers

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Documents recently declassified through the Freedom of Information Act showing a secret Pentagon project in 1960 to train zombie soldiers; other documents indicate that President Kennedy refused to allow the military to take those undead soldiers into Vietnam, favoring traditional military techniques instead.

US Military Bolsters Forces with Undead, Fearing Space Alien/Terrorist Invasion

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

President Bush has issued an executive order appropriating more resources towards the recruiting of zombie soldiers. Meanwhile, the US has raised the terror alert level from Elevated (Yellow) to High (Orange) in response to new intelligence that extraterrestrials have joined forces with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda.

Weekly World News losing Key Zombie Demographic

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Undead respond to allegations of terrorist ties

The undead population has called for a boycott of the Weekly World News
and the resignation of the executive management of the newspaper following publication of their August 7th issue featuring the article "Homeland Security Chief Warns Bush...Terrorists Recruiting Zombie Army to Invade US."

Linux on X-Box team threatens Microsoft with Ultimatum

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

An anonymous hacker group has threatened to set hundreds of Undead against Microsoft if the Redmond, WA company does not release an official Linux boot loader for the X-Box. Unless Microsoft complies with the request within ten days, says the group, the company will face annihilation as its employees are devoured alive by the living dead.

Government Staffs Patent Office with Undead

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700

Results exceed projected budget savings

Washington, DC - An executive order signed by President Bush on June 5 authorized the use of undead soldiers to supplement staffing at the U.S. Patent and Trademark office. According to Gerald Smith, an accounting technician overseeing USPTO payroll, this order provided for 50 undead to sort the increasing number of patent applications that the office receives.

United States Military uses Undead in Iraqi War

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 16:16:43 -0600

Najaf, Iraq – The first reports of horrified Iraq Republican Guard units were first discounted as the ravings of the shell shocked, but now firmly documented reports confirm the use of some sort of undead troops by the United States. As the United States push towards Baghdad slowed it is now apparent that the Government authorized a desperate gamble, confirmed reports say that suddenly United States troops seemed to pull out of their positions and then the Iraqis were forced to confront true horror.