Failed US Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry has completed his campaign to become president of the Oompa Loompa Labor Union successfully, with overwhelming support from the Oompa Loompa workers.

Elected to the post of President by a majority of eligible voters, Kerry will tackle the difficult issues that the Oompa Loompas face.

From Kerry's acceptance speech: "My fellow Oompas were brought here from Loompa Land by Willy Wonka, under the pretense that he would take them to a place where they would be free from the dangers of Vermicious Knids, Swangdoodles and Horn Swagglers. But instead of freedom, the Oompas were forced to work in Wonka's chocolate factories. I will fight to get all of the rights that my fellow Oompas deserve."

Washington, DC - After the dust from the highly contentious 2004 presidential election has settled, thousands of political analysts are projected to lose their jobs, say sources at the major networks.

"They just won't be needed anymore, at least not in these numbers, at least until the next congressional elections," says an executive for FOX News. "In this election season, if you resume even had anything related to politics in your 'hobbies' section, you got a job as an analyst. The level of political analysis this country currently has, however, cannot be sustained without an impending election."

A Republican party staffer alleges that President Bush purposefully lost the first debate so that his comeback in the second debate would result in a bounce in his poll numbers. The President and his staff vigorously deny the allegation.

The Kerry campaign has had its feathers ruffled following a Bush campaign email that encourages Bush supporters to wear flip-flops while watching the presidential debates.

"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."

The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches."

It's News, Dammit uncovers strong evidence to support claims that the White House has suppressed the availability of important information on the Internet.

John Kerry Thursday night unveiled his campaign platform before the Democratic Convention, to the delight of the party delegates who selected him. "I'm still not Bush and I never will be!" Kerry shouted to cheering crowds of delegates. Party leaders are pleased with Kerry's platform, and believe it will lead him to victory.

"Why ain't I in it?" Nader demands of the creators, the Spiridellis brothers, who have this three minute long cartoon song and dance posted at their website JibJab.com

Taking an aggressive, vocal stance not seen among Republicans for some years, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has stuck by his guns, not only refusing to apologize for calling the Democratic players involved in the budget process "Girlie Men" but also promising to continue calling them "Girlie Men" until they pass his budget.

Card features multi-colored birds carrying cakes with the text: "Guess the time flew by... Happy Late Birdie".