]> http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/taxonomy/term/8/0 Government en http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/96 <p><img src="/news/images/news/john_kerry-oompaloompa.jpg" align="right" alt="John Kerry working at Wonkavision Studios" height="152" width="203" />Failed US Presidential Candidate John F. Kerry has completed his campaign to become president of the Oompa Loompa Labor Union successfully, with overwhelming support from the Oompa Loompa workers. </p> <p>Elected to the post of President by a majority of eligible voters, Kerry will tackle the difficult issues that the Oompa Loompas face.</p> <p>From Kerry's acceptance speech: "My fellow Oompas were brought here from Loompa Land by Willy Wonka, under the pretense that he would take them to a place where they would be free from the dangers of Vermicious Knids, Swangdoodles and Horn Swagglers. But instead of freedom, the Oompas were forced to work in Wonka's chocolate factories. I will fight to get all of the rights that my fellow Oompas deserve."</p> Tue, 27 Sep 2005 14:23:11 -0600 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/92 <p>Washington, DC - After the dust from the highly contentious 2004 presidential election has settled, thousands of political analysts are projected to lose their jobs, say sources at the major networks.</p> <p>"They just won't be needed anymore, at least not in these numbers, at least until the next congressional elections," says an executive for FOX News. "In this election season, if you resume even had anything related to politics in your 'hobbies' section, you got a job as an analyst. The level of political analysis this country currently has, however, cannot be sustained without an impending election."</p> Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:18:44 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/89 <p>A Republican party staffer alleges that President Bush purposefully lost the first debate so that his comeback in the second debate would result in a bounce in his poll numbers. The President and his staff vigorously deny the allegation.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/87 <p><img src="/news/images/news/flipflop.jpg" alt="flip-flops" align="left">The Kerry campaign has had its feathers ruffled following a Bush campaign email that encourages Bush supporters to wear flip-flops while watching the presidential debates.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/86 <p>"That was the lame-ass-est speech I've ever heard, " says Johnathan Walker. "John Kerry sounded more desperate than my older brother is to get a date. My kid brother has better comebacks than John Kerry too."<br><br> The Kerry camp promises that "this is the last time we let John write his own speeches."</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/84 <p><i>It's News, Dammit</i> uncovers strong evidence to support claims that the White House has suppressed the availability of important information on the Internet.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/81 <p>John Kerry Thursday night unveiled his campaign platform before the Democratic Convention, to the delight of the party delegates who selected him. "I'm still not Bush and I never will be!" Kerry shouted to cheering crowds of delegates. Party leaders are pleased with Kerry's platform, and believe it will lead him to victory.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/79 <p><a href="http://www.jibjab.com"><img src="/news/images/news/thisland.jpg" align="left" alt="Go to JibJab.com" border="0" /></a>"Why ain't I in it?" Nader demands of the creators, the Spiridellis brothers, who have this three minute long cartoon song and dance posted at their website <a href="http://www.jibjab.com">JibJab.com</a></p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/77 <p>Taking an aggressive, vocal stance not seen among Republicans for some years, Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar has stuck by his guns, not only refusing to apologize for calling the Democratic players involved in the budget process "Girlie Men" but also promising to continue calling them "Girlie Men" until they pass his budget.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/73 <p>Card features multi-colored birds carrying cakes with the text: "Guess the time flew by... <a href="http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/display.pd?path=41036&#038;bfrom=2&#038;prodnum=2035208&#038;">Happy Late Birdie</a>".</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/71 <p>John Kerry defends his choice in Vice Presidential candidates: "Neither a man's nipples nor the number of them should have any bearing on a presidential election."</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/68 <p><b>"With the special Internet Explorer tracking code, Bill Gates will send<br /> me $245 for every congressperson I send this email to!" Cheney<br /> exclaims.</b></p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/67 <p><b>Democracy-by-hypnosis is no basis for a system of government, claim group of political scientists.</b><br><br></p> <p>Dayton, Ohio - While George W Bush has told Americans that "Iraqis will learn to love democracy while they sleep," a group of concerned poli sci professors at the University of Dayton are warning the country that Bush's plan is fraught with inconsistencies and just plain won't work.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/66 <p>Anonymous but reliable sources have indicated that John Kerry will indeed be nominated by the Democratic Convention's nomination process, but that he will "mysteriously disappear" just weeks before the election, at which time the party will put forward a new candidate, with any votes for Kerry on the ballot going to the new candidate. The Bush campaign will be unable to adequately respond to this new candidate, says the source, causing him to lose the election.</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700 http://byzantinecommunications.com/news/node/65 <p>Kerry expands on his "We need to go to the moon right here on Earth" speech, as a call to Americans to "wake up and realize that NASA never went to the moon; it was all staged at an old U.S. army base. In fact, the moon itself is nothing more than a helium-filled dirigible that circles the globe at an altitude of 3 miles."</p> Wed, 31 Dec 1969 17:33:24 -0700