The persons and events in this film are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons (living or dead) or events is unintentional.

HOWARD, BECKEMEIER, GAWIN PRODUCTIONS is a registered® trademark of BYZANTINE PRODUCTIONS.

ED VALEZ Nik Gawin

DISTRICT ATTORNEY SAM TREXTON Matthew Beckemeier

OFFICER FRANCIS WILLIAMS Robert "Boof" Frontczak

JUDGE AL COHALL Adam Howard

MISS TALL CEDAR BY THE DARK POND OF THE RISING MOON, HIGH PRIESTESS OF THE MOON GOD, JOHALAMAMA, HEIR TO 1/3 OF THE KINGDOM OF CHIEF FUNGUS BY THE RIVER TI-PAN III, HOLDER OF THE HOLY SILVER DISK Carrie "Metal Tip" Kotecki

ATTORNEY RICHARD LANCEY Craig Hotchkiss

"THE BAILIFF" Derek Mrotek

CAMERA MAN B.F. Foley

Francis: Yo, Ed, meet me at the corner of 1st and Holmes with 7 kilos at 7:00 tonite.

Valez: I read you, man. See you there. 29 hundred, remember.

Francis: I'm in. (Hangs up phone.)

Trexton: Here's your warrant, Francis, don't screw this up. (Trexton hands Francis warrant [phone book]; Francis goes out door.)

(Francis enters stairway, meets Valez on landing.)

Francis: Got the goods, Ed?

Valez: Depends. You got the money?

Francis: (Pulls wad [of cash] from pocket.) Right here.

Valez:(Grabs the money) Let me count it. (Counts it) Hey, this is only 27.

Francis: So?

Valez: The deal was for 29 hundred.

Francis: The deal (pulls out gun) is that you're under arrest! Get up against the wall. (Francis throws Valez against the wall. He searches him and finds cocaine in Valez's pocket.) Put out your hands. (Francis cuffs him.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, the court will appoint an attorney to you. You have the right to etc, etc.

(Francis and Valez walk up the stairs to the County Jail. When they get there, mug shots are taken of Valez. Then Francis walks Valez into a room with a desk.)

Francis: You can wait in here for the DA.

(Francis goes out and locks the door. Valez looks at the stuff on DA Sam Trexton's desk. He gets bored and starts picking his nose. Valez leans back in his chair. Trexton opens the door, and Valez, startled, falls back [onto the floor]. Trexton walks over to see if Valez is O.K., and Valez flings a booger at him.)

Trexton: Do that again and I'll cut off your Dangling Delights! Here's some coffee. (Trexton spills it on Valez. [Actually, there was no coffee.]) Oops. Sorry.

Valez: You son of a (in someone else's voice) Nice Man!

Trexton: Pick up your chair and sit down, Mr. Valez. (Valez picks up his chair and sits in the chair next to himself, holding his chair on his lap; Trexton picks up photo.) Here's my wife. What do you think of her.

(Valez grabs the picture and throws it across the room.)

Trexton: That's my wife you're throwing across the room. Now, let's get on with the questioning. Mr. Valez, if you plead guilty to drug trafficking, I'll make sure you get a life sentence instead of 500 years.

Valez: No way, Man! I'm innocent. I'll fight you in court!

Trexton: Very well then, Mr. Valez. I'll see you in court tomorrow morning at 8:00. (Trexton presses his intercom) Mr. Williams, come and get Mr. Valez.

(Francis comes in and takes Valez to his cell [actually a closet in the science lab].)

Valez: Hey, can I call my lawyer?

Francis: I suppose. You got a quarter for the call?

Valez: I don't need a quarter. (Whistles) Yo! Richard, get your butt over here!

Richard: (Runs to cell.) What, Ed?

Valez: I need yee in court tomorrow to prove me innocent.

Richard: What is it this time?

Valez: Oh, just illegal drug trafficking. Yee can do it.

Richard: Sure. What time and where is it?

Valez: At the courthouse, at 8:00.

Richard: O.K. I'll see yee then. (Richard goes out door.)

(Trexton is sitting at his desk, filling out papers. He looks at his clock. The time is about 7:55.)

Trexton: Well, I guess it's time to go to the trial. (Trexton gets up and goes out the door. He walks down the hall to the courtroom [music room].)

(Mr. Foley looks around the courtroom and sees Francis in the corner. Richard and Valez are whispering. Trexton goes to his seat.)

Bailiff: Everyone rise for the honorable Judge Al Cohall. (Everyone stands up. Judge walks into room and sits down.)

Judge: Be seated. We begin this mass in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the... (He sees that everyone is staring at him like he's doing something wrong.) I'm doing something wrong, aren't I?

Trexton: This is a court of law, not a church, your honor.

Judge: Yee know, I think yee're right. O.K., case #F26-1003, City of Knob Lick, Kentucky, versus Ed Valez, alleged drug trafficker. Let's have the usual.

Trexton: (Pulls out a Black Bear soda bottle, opens it and gives it to Judge.) Here yee go, yeer honor.

Judge: What is this?

Trexton: The usual.

Judge: I meant let's have the usual routine for the trial, not that usual, you idiot.

Trexton: Fine, I'll drink it myself. (Trexton tries to take the drink away.)

Judge: Wait, give me that! (He grabs the drink and guzzles it down. [Actually, he didn't guzzle it down, but instead that bottle and another of a different flavor were each switched throughout the movie, sometimes one would be out, then the other, then both or neither.])

Trexton: Darn! I was hoping you didn't want it. (He walks back to his seat.) Richard, yee get to go first.

Richard: O.K. I'd like to call Ed Valez to the stand.

(Valez goes to the witness stand. Bailiff picks up Bible and goes to Valez.)

Bailiff: Do yee swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help yee God?

Valez: No!

Trexton: (Slaps Valez) What was that?!

Valez: No!

Trexton: (Slaps Valez) What was that?!

Valez: No!

Trexton: (Slaps Valez) What was that?!

Valez: Please repeat the question.

Bailiff: Do yee swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help yee God?

Valez: Oh, I thought yee said something else. Yes, by all means.

(Bailiff takes the Bible and sits down, Trexton sits down.)

Richard: Ed, where were you last night?

Valez: I was in jail.

Richard: You see, your honor, how could he have been selling drugs [if he was in jail]?

Trexton: I object, your honor, he was in jail after selling the drugs to Officer Williams. I want that statement stricken from the record.

Judge: Objection sustained. However, it will not be stricken from the record [because there is no one taking records down]. Mr. Valez, please tell the court what you were doing before you went to jail.

Valez: I was dealing drugs.

Richard: Uh, your honor, may I have a minute to speak with my client?

Judge: Very well. One minute. No more.

Richard: (Taps Valez on the shoulder.) Ed, come here for a minute. (Richard and Valez go to their seats and whisper for one minute. Richard puts what is supposed to be a small speaker into Valez's ear [actually, it's a piece of paper {actually, he put nothing in Valez's ear}].)

Judge: Your minute has expired, Mr. Lancey. Mr. Valez, please come back to the witness stand.

(Valez goes back to the witness stand.)

Richard: I have no more questions, your honor.

Judge: Mr. Trexton, you may question the defendant.

(Trexton gets up and goes to Valez.)

Trexton: Mr. Valez, will you please tell the court what you were doing two weeks ago?

(Richard coughs into his hand and says into a [nonexistant] miniature microphone in his hand the following.)

Richard: I was swimming in my pool.

Valez: (straining to hear what Richard said) I was swimming in my pool.

Trexton: (Suspecting what is going on) Do you have a pool?

(Richard was not paying attention to Trexton's question. Bailiff had asked him the following question.)

Bailiff: Do you want any coffee, Mr. Lancey?

Valez: (Thinking that Richard had said that, he repeats it.) Do you want any coffee, Mr. Lancey?

Richard: (To Bailiff) No.

Valez: (Repeating it) No.

Trexton: Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: Yes, I suppose.

(The DA cartwheels up to the judge.)

Trexton: Your honor, I have reason to believe that Mr. Lancey is putting words into his client's mouth.

Richard: (Stands up) I am not!

Valez: (Repeats it) I am not!

Richard: (Pounds his head on the table) What an idiot.

Valez: (Repeats it) What an idiot.

Judge: Please take the device out of your ear, Mr. Valez.

Valez: Fine. (Tries to take it out.) It was working for a while, Richard. (Valez pulls and his ear comes off. He looks at it, screams, and puts it back on. [actually, his ear didn't come off, so he didn't scream.)

Trexton: I have no more questions for Mr. Valez.

Judge: O.K. Please go take your seat, Mr. Valez. Would you like to bring up any more witnesses?

Trexton: Yes, I'd like to call Miss Tall Cedar by the Dark Pond of the Rising Moon, High Priestess of the Moon God, Johalamama, Hier to 1/3 of the Kingdom of Chief Fungus by the River Ti-pan III, Holder of the Holy Silver Disk to the stand.

(TallCedar walks up, holding silver disk [aluminum foil-wrapped ice cream bucket lid.])

Judge: Doesn't she have a name in her native language?

Trexton: Yeah, but it's unpronounceable.

Judge: Well, just give it a try.

Trexton: O.K., um, Zush, uh, nevermind.

Bailiff: (With Bible, to TallCedar) Do yee swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help yee God?

TallCedar: I cannot. This religion is not mine. (Bailiff takes the silver disk from TallCedar.)

Bailiff: Uh, okay. Do yee swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help yee Johalamama?

TallCedar: Yeah.

(Bailiff goes somewhere.)

Trexton: (Goes up to TallCedar at the witness stand.) Now, Miss, well, is it O.K. if I call you Miss Tall Cedar?

TallCedar: Yes, that would be acceptable.

Trexton: Good. Miss Tall Cedar, you told me that you personally witnessed Mr. Valez selling drugs 7 times?

TallCedar: Yes, that is true.

Trexton: Now, Miss Tall Cedar, tell the court what you told me in my office.

TallCedar: My sister ran away from home when I was five, and my parents went out looking for her, so me and my friend went through my sister's stuff, we only took a little stuff, not--

Trexton: Miss, tell the court what you told me pertaining to Mr. Valez.

TallCedar: Oh, well why didn't you say that? O.K. I was washing my car and he gave 70 kilos to Mr. Jeffries, who lives on the corner. Did you know that Mr. Jeffries washes his little poodle every other day and then puts it on the clothes line to dry? I've seen him--

Trexton: Thank-you, Miss Tall Cedar. I have no more questions, your honor.

Judge: That's nice. Would you like to cross-examine the witness, Mr. Lancey?

Richard: Yes, I would. (He goes up to TallCedar.) Well, now is it O.K. if I call yee Miss Tall Cedar?

TallCedar: No.

Richard: Yee mean I'd have to use your full name and title?

TallCedar: Yes.

Richard: I have no more questions, your honor.

Judge: O.K. You may go take your seat, Miss Tall Cedar by the Dark Pond of the Rising Moon, High Priestess of the Moon God, Johalamama, Heir to 1/3 of the Kingdom of Chief Fungus by the River Ti-pan III, Holder of the Holy Silver Disk.

(TallCedar sits down in a seat at the rear of the courtroom.)

Judge: Do you have any more witnesses, Mr. Trexton?

Trexton: Yes, I'd like to call Officer Francis Williams of the Knob Lick Police Department to the stand.

(Francis comes up from the back of the courtroom.)

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Francis: Yeah. I don't want to be slapped by the District Attorney. (Francis sits in the witness stand.)

Trexton: Can you tell me what you saw on the night in question?

Francis: Yes I can.

Trexton: Well, then do it!

Francis: No!

Trexton: Why not, Mr. Williams?!

Francis: Because you didn't say please!

Trexton: (Groans) Will you please tell the court what you saw on the night in question?

Francis: O.K., that's better. I saw a guy fall off my apartment building, my grandmother came to visit, and my girlfriend, well, I saw her--

Trexton: Uh, Francis. Tell us about Ed.

Francis: Valez?

Trexton: Yes.

Francis: O.K. I was given the assignment of arresting him for illegal drug trafficking. I got to the place with the money and arrested him, and found the drugs.

Trexton: Francis, what did you do with that money? It was the counterfeit money from the O'Donnell case, remember?

Francis: I don't know. I gave it to Ed, then, um, I don't think I ever got it back from him.

Trexton: Uh, your honor, could you tell "The Bailiff" to get that money from Mr. Valez?

Judge: Bailiff, please get the money from Mr. Valez.

Bailiff: (Stuffing his face with doughnuts) O.K.

(He's too busy eating to do anything.)

Judge: You may continue with your questioning, Mr. Trexton.

Trexton: Thank-you, your honor. Francis, you then brought him in for mug shots and an interrogation, is that not correct?

Francis: Yeah, whatever you said.

Trexton: Did Ed Valez tell you anything before you brought him in to the station?

Francis: Yeah, he told me that I could get any drugs for half price if I set him free.

Trexton: But you didn't set him free, right?

Francis: Right.

Trexton: I have no more questions, your honor.

Judge: Very well. Would you like to cross-examine Mr. Williams, Mr. Lancey?

Richard: Yes I would. (He goes up to Francis.) How much money did you give Mr. Valez for the drugs?

Trexton: Objection. I see no relevance in that question, your honor.

Judge: Sustained. If you have a point to make, please make it soon.

Richard: Mr. Williams, you gave Mr. Valez $2,700. He told you to bring $2,900, so, um, the drugs should be revoked as evidence!

Trexton: Objection! He still had in his possession an illegal substance.

Judge: Sustained.

Richard: I have no further questions, your honor.

Judge: O.K. Mr. Williams, you may go take your seat.

Richard: Your honor, I request a 10 minute recess.

Trexton: Your honor, may I please have a search warrant for Mr. Valez's house?

Judge: Sure. (He fills out a search warrant.) Here yee go. suppose you'll need more than a 10 minute recess then, right, Mr. Trexton?

Trexton: Yes, that would be necessary.

Judge: O.K., I'll make it a three hour recess. (Pounds gavel.)

(Trexton gets up and goes out the door. In the hall, Bailiff, wearing a ski mask and holding a gun, approaches Trexton.)

Trexton: No questions, please.

(Bailiff looks around confused. Trexton walks down the stairs.)

Judge: (Pounds gavel.) Mr. Trexton, your three hours has expired. The court will now continue the case of Knob Lick versus Ed Valez.

Trexton: I'd like to call Francis Williams to the stand again.

Bailiff: You'll need a loud voice. He's not here.

Trexton: Well, then I'd like to call Miss Tall Cedar to the stand.

Bailiff: Not here either.

Trexton: Your honor, may I use your phone?

Judge: Sure. (He lifts a phone out of his desk.)

Trexton: (Lifts receiver to his ear.) Your honor, your phone's dead.

Judge: (Lifts phone and looks at it.) I wonder why?

Trexton: Maybe it's this knife in the side of it.

Judge: Nah, my wife put that there three years ago. It's dead because it is not hooked up. (He holds up the end of the phone's cord.)

Trexton: Well, then why didn't you tell me that?

Judge: You never asked.

Trexton: O.K., then I'd like to request a 2 minute recess so I can find my witnesses.

Judge: O.K. Two minutes.

Trexton: (Goes and gets a walkie-talkie.) Yo, Francis, come in, over.

Francis: I'm sorry. I'm not home right now. Well, maybe I am home. I'm not sure. Anyway, I can't get to the phone, so, um, hang on a second. (Static for a while.) Hi, I'm back. Well, not really back, but this recording is. I'm sorta busy, so call back tomorrow. Bye.

Trexton: You got a minute to get over here or I'll, well, you don't want to know what I'll do! (Trexton comes back into courtroom.) Is Francis here yet?

Bailiff: No.

Trexton: Well, he's got about 10 seconds. 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0.

Francis:(Jumps into room.) Hi, am I late?

Trexton: Yeah, 1 second. Don't worry. I'll let you get away with it this time. Go to the witness stand.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help yee God?

Francis: Yes. (He has a brown paper bag next to the witness stand.)

Trexton: What did you see in Ed's home?

Francis: I--

Trexton: Let me rephrase that. Please tell the court what you saw in Ed's house pertaining to the case.

Francis: Well, I found this magazine here and--

Trexton: Francis, about the case.

Francis: I know. Written across the centerfold was information concerning his suppliers.

Trexton: Well, then let's see it.

Francis: O.K. (He dumps ripped pieces of magazine paper on the floor.)

Trexton: What is this!?

Francis: The magazine. My dog found it before I did. If you piece it together, you can read the writing.

Trexton: O.K. Let's see, Miss April 1999 was--

Francis: No, Ed's writing.

Trexton: Oh. (Pieces it together.) Well, um, BRING COLUMBIAN SOMETHING TO 5TH AND SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING.

Judge: Mr. Trexton, what is this "SOMETHING"?

Trexton: That's the words that are missing. I can't find them.

Valez: Thank-you, Lord!

Trexton: Oh, wait, I think this fits. BRING COLUMBIAN DRUGS TO 5TH AND HOLMES FOR $100,000. And here's another piece: 7,000 KILOS.

Judge: Fifth and Holmes. Isn't that just four blocks from the police station?

Trexton: And it's also the residence of Ed Valez.

Judge: Yeah, that would be the perfect place to hold those kinds of things, right near the police station where you'd never expect it. But you did. Good work, men.

Trexton: The state rests, your honor.

Richard: Uh, your honor, my client wishes to plead guilty by reason of insanity!

Trexton: Hey, you can't plead that!

Judge: Quiet, all of you, or I'll have you all in contempt of court! (Pounds gavel.) Mr. Lancey, you cannot plead guilty by reason of insanity unless your client has murdered someone or something like that.

Richard: (Jokingly) Did you kill anyone, Ed?

Valez: Well, I killed Mr. Jones because he didn't pay me, um, Mr. Jamiski, I killed him because, um, I didn't like him, Mr. Janoloson, well--

Judge: Thank-you, Mr. Valez. Why don't you write down all the names of people you killed on this piece of paper here and give it to me when you're finished.

Valez: O.K. It might take a while for me to remember all of them.

Judge: Don't worry, Mr. Valez. I have a feeling I'll be seeing you again after this case for your murder trial. (Pauses) The court will go into a 5 minute recess while I decide the final verdict. (Pounds gavel, and leaves the courtroom.)

Valez: So, Richard, how do you suppose I did? Do you think I won?

Richard: Well, there's about a billion billion to one chance of him deciding on not guilty.

Valez: The chances are that good? I thought I had no chance of getting out of this.

Judge: (Walks back in, pounds gavel.) Court is back in session.

Richard: Wasn't that supposed to be a 5 minute recess?

Judge: Yes, but I didn't need 5 minutes. My final verdict is: guilty as charged. I sentence him to 500 years in prison with no chance of parole before the first 400 years.

Valez: This is all your fault, Francis Williams! (He pulls out a gun and shoots at Francis.)

(Francis ducks. Bailiff looks up from his doughnuts and sees Valez shooting at Francis. He pulls out his gun and shoots Valez in the chest. Valez puts his hand over his chest and staggers up to the judge's desk. He pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket, looks at it, and sets it on the judge's desk. The camera zooms in on the paper.)

[End scene]

(Valez running down the hall carrying [an imitation of] the Olympic Torch, holding a hand over his wound.)

[End scene]

(Valez is kneeling, getting a white cleric collar.)

[End scene]

Valez: (Singing National Anthem) Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so--

[End scene]

Valez: (Staggers back into courtroom) Good-bye, cruel world!

(He falls onto a beanbag [which, of course, is not visible to the camera.)

Judge: Bailiff, was that necessary to kill Ed Valez?

Bailiff: It was. Look at the hole he put in this doughnut.

Judge: Oh, well, as long as you did it in self defense, I guess that's O.K. (Pounds gavel) Court is adjourned. Bailiff, take care of the body.

(Mr. Foley, with camera, follows Francis out of the room. Camera turns down the hall; TallCedar is standing by the stairs.)

Francis: Tall Cedar!

TallCedar: Francis!

(Francis runs to TallCedar. She steps aside; Francis hits the wall. He staggers away and falls down the stairs. He screams on the way down. [Actually, it was some coffee cans, not Francis, that fell down the stairs.])

THE END