How to Grow Giant Mutant Vegetables

taken from Worse Homes and Gardens

To grow your mutant veggies, first get 2 gallons of snail slime. To the slime add 4 squished squirrels right off the road. Next put this mixture immediately into the washing machine with some moldy socks. Save the mixture.

After leaving the mixture sit for two days, go get a barrel of toxic waste from a toxic waste dump. Then take the barrel home and dump it in a 1,600 gallon flowerpot with your mixture and a seed of your choice (Venus flytraps grow best). For best results throw in your ex-wife's lawyer.

When your plant first pushes up through the sludge, give it twelve-hundred gallons of nitroglycerine. For the rest of the first two weeks you feed it 2 sticks of dynamite. For the rest of its lifetime give it 16 sticks of dynamite per day. Then you will have a full grown Giant Mutant Vegetable.

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